A Simple Year-End Reflection on What Truly Mattered
As the December frost settles and the calendar begins to thin, there is a collective urge to evaluate our lives. We look at our bank accounts, our fitness trackers, and our career milestones, asking: What did I accomplish? But as an Emotionally Focused therapist, I see a different kind of success every day in my office. In the world of EFT, we know that our sense of self and our zest for life are deeply rooted in the quality of our bonds. The most significant achievements of your year aren't usually found in a trophy case; they are found in the soft, quiet moments where you felt truly seen, heard, and held.
This season, I invite you to set aside the productivity checklist and join me in a Joy Inventory. Let’s look back at your year through the lens of your most vital relationships.
Moments of Accessibility: "I Can Reach You"
Accessibility is the foundation of a secure base. It’s the answer to the silent question we all ask our loved ones: “Are you there for me?” In a busy year, accessibility often looks like turning toward a partner instead of turning away.
When you look back over the last twelve months, search for the moments when the noise of the world fell away because someone made themselves available to you. Perhaps it was a Tuesday evening when you were overwhelmed by work, and your partner put down their phone, looked you in the eyes, and offered a soft place to land. Or maybe it was a moment when you reached out a hand in the car, and they squeezed it back without saying a word.
Why this matters: These aren't just polite gestures; they are bids for connection. Every time you or your partner made yourselves accessible this year, you were depositing emotional currency into your relationship bank account. These moments are the safety net that allows you to take risks in the rest of your life.
Think of one specific time this year when you felt like the most important person in the room because someone was truly reachable for you. How did that sense of safety change your day?
Moments of Responsiveness: "You Feel Me"
Responsiveness goes a step beyond just being there; it’s about emotional tuning. It’s the ability to sense your partner’s internal state and respond with empathy.
Think back to the times this year when you didn't have to explain why you were feeling a certain way, they just got it. Maybe you shared a small, silly win at work, and your partner didn't just nod; they mirrored your excitement with a genuine, "I am so proud of you!" Or perhaps, in a moment of social anxiety at a holiday party, they caught your eye from across the room and gave you that "I'm with you" look that instantly lowered your heart rate.
Why this matters: Responsiveness creates a sense of connection. It tells us that our emotions aren't just ours to carry alone; they are shared. This tuning in is what transforms a house into a home and a partner into a confidant. It’s the joy of being understood without a manual.
Recall a moment when your partner responded to your joy or your stress in a way that made you feel completely understood. What was the look or the word that let you know they were in sync with your heart?
Moments of Engagement: "I Am Valued"
Engagement is the spark of the relationship. It’s the active curiosity we have for one another. When we are engaged, we are all in. We are captivated by our partner, not out of obligation, but out of genuine interest and delight.
Looking back at your year, where was the playfulness? Where was the wonder? Engagement often shows up in the micro-moments of togetherness: a spontaneous kitchen dance while the coffee was brewing, a long walk where the conversation drifted into dreams for the future, or even a shared inside joke that left you both breathless with laughter.
Why this matters: Constant engagement is impossible, but intentional engagement is what keeps a relationship vibrant. It’s the act of saying, "I still find you fascinating." This type of attachment play is the ultimate stress-reliever and the greatest source of joy in a long-term bond.
What was the most fun you had together this year? Not necessarily a big vacation, but a moment of pure, undistracted engagement where the rest of the world seemed to disappear.
Moving Toward a Connected New Year
I encourage you to take some time this week to share these reflections with your partner. Connection is a use it or lose it resource, and celebrating these wins is a powerful way to strengthen your bond for the year ahead.
Try asking each other these three joyful questions:
"When did you feel most 'seen' or supported by me this year?”
"What is one 'small' moment of ours from this year that you want to carry with you into the next?”
"What is one way we 'played' together this year that made you feel closer to me?"
As we head into the New Year, remember that the goal isn't a perfect relationship, but a connected one. By taking stock of these moments, you are realizing that you already have the most precious gift of all: a secure bond that can weather any season.
If you feel these reflections are difficult to complete, or if your relationship feels more like a struggle lately, please know that you aren't alone. Transitioning from a cycle of conflict to a cycle of connection is a journey, and therapy is a wonderful way to start. I would love to help you and your partner find your rhythm again in the New Year.